some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
