I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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