I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have already put on my inside pants.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
