I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
