im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
