I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
