so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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