after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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