Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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