matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
