Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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