forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
