I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
