Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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