My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
