I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
