I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
