Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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