Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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