I'm really into asian looking animals
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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