You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
