I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
