so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
