oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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