don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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