Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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