first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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