i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
