Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
