mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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