So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
