i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
