I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
