have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
