There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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