Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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