I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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