i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
