im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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