I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
