my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
