I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
