the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
