Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
