I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
