What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
