I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
