I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
