It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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