Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
