She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's blow job season.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
