I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
