you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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