Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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