just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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