yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize