I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
