eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize