I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
