Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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