rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
