I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The uberlube is also flammable
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
