im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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