You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
