I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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